MY EMAIL COLLECTION OF QUICK JOKES VOL 1.doc
23 pages in PDF format
Jokes? Like what kind of jokes? Is THIS a joke?
Yes, all and no! You’ll be getting 23 pages in all (this description/sampler is 8 pages!)
To be kinda fair, (and kinda not!) I’ll give the curious seekers a peek inside of each heading, sort of…
NOT the whole joke, not all the jokes, just some ‘glimpses’.
Crack Found On Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
…and 20 more
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a envelope containing $200.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
4 more paragraphs….
Life of a Doctor
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
In the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that
there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
6 more stories….
FUNNY AIRLINE STORIES
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em!"
18 more stories…
1. If your computer says "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
2. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
6 more similar hints…
A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so
and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one
day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would
depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
16 more exchanges…
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska : 11,623,097 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
All 50 states included, none left out of the fun…
Problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix
before the next flight.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and
the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
11 more problem/solution sets…
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
3 more kinda different ones…
TOO SMART FOR FIRST GRADE?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Barry, what is your problem?" Barry answered, "I'm too smart
for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I
think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Barry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Barry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Barry can go to
the 3rd grade."
The story goes on…
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Barry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
I won’t spoil it for you, but there’s 7 more questions that get the 1st grade kid into the FIFTH grade!
“FOR SALE” TERMINOLOGY ADS
(special thanks to Dennis Wray of the Crosley Automobile Club,............
and to James Bavousett of Dallas, Texas)...
If the ad claims...It really means...
rough condition...too bad to lie about
parts car...beyond repair
37 more incredibly funny ones!
Jerry drives into a gas station on the outskirts of the big city and has his
tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the
back seat of the car. He asks Jerry what he's up to with the two penguins in his
back seat. Jerry responded that he was not sure what to do.
The clerk says, "You should take them to the zoo". Jerry thinks this is a good
idea and drives away.
Several days later…
Anyway, its QUITE a unique story…
I WOULD GLADLY PAY TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved
into the house next door. He was also quick to notice
that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually
in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a
point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another
look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new
neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened
the door. "Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in
particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breast